D-Day

Never have I felt more of a failure in my job as I did today. Today was moving day for my Italian lady. She moved from the balmy 23 degrees of the mid Atlantic to the scorching 73 degrees of Florida. She left against her will & yet, the same time, peacefully.

The airport & plane ride were not an issue, yet as soon as we got to baggage claim things started going wrong. We had a porter, (a new experience for me) so I thought this would go smoothly. One bag came quickly, the other took forever & belonged to a gang; there were what felt like a dozen others that looked just like it. Finally we pulled out the correct bag & off we go to the taxi stand. They hail us a cab & start putting our bags in a Suburban faster than I know what's happening. My lady is too short & not limber enough for the front seat. We almost have to pick her up to get her in. I give the address & off we go. We get less than 5 minutes from the airport & my lady starts flipping out! Going off in Italian (of which I speak little), & I can tell she thinks we're going the wrong way. I'm following our route on the GPS & it looks fine to me. The cabby explains the other route is under construction & not advisable. She's going ballistic!! I've never seen her like this. For the entire ride she rants & raves, yet I know he's not leading us off to the swamps of Florida because I'm still following on the GPS. For the first time EVER, I yell at her. I've never done this before. For 15 minutes she rants, raves, cusses, & prays. FINALLY, we get to the area the house is in, but can't figure out which house it is that we belong too. (I've never been there). We eventually figure it out & pull into the drive way. The whole time she's bitching out the cabby & myself. I felt awful, can't imagine what the cabby felt. We unload & get inside, only for her to continue bitching while she's on the toilet!!!! Seriously!!!! She's bitching about the cabby & me in Italian to me while sitting on the shitter!!!! I literally wanted to cry! I had to stop myself from losing it. I've only felt this way w/ my children when they are sick & I couldn't make them better, or when my oldest who's Autistic, had a meltdown. I had to stop thinking about myself & think:

I knew she didn't want to be here;
I knew she was exhausted;
I knew she was mad;
I knew she was beyond frustrated.

So there was nothing I could do but apologize & put her in her pajamas, feed her, & put her to bed.

Now, here it is 5 hours later & thanks to some time, food, & rum I'm a little more settled & hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Laughter is the best medicine

Thought I'd share some funnies that have made me laugh & help me not go quite so insane in this house. Hope you get a laugh out of them too, cause if you can't laugh at your situation, then you can't complain either.

A change is in the air

With in the next couple of weeks several things are going to change in my world. I'm not going into all of the details now, because I'm working on getting some things in my head worked out, then I'll fill you in.

To give you some info about my work, I'm a companion to 3 great senior ladies. I've been doing this for a year now, and have found, that I really like what I'm doing.  I don't do medical care, but I keep them company, make meals, clean, talk with, transport to various appointments, and help with some basic daily needs.  Over the holiday, my 95 year old lady was placed in hospice care. And next week, I'm accompanying my 85 year old Italian lady to her home in Florida where she'll be for the next 5 months. So, in a little over two weeks I'll be down to only one lady that I'll be helping.  I will have her for 2 hours on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (I've got a line on having another lady but, she's only temporary).  So, that's going to leave a whole lot of time on my hands and a lot less cash in my pocket.

What to do about the cash? Well, that's going to take some thinking, but the not driving, and impulse lunches, snacks and so on that I buy will stop, but the rest will require some interesting money management.  I'll keep you updated.

As for the time, that's the one I'm going to deal with first.  I've got several things in mind, but the biggest will be cleaning my home. I blogged about how I feel about it earlier in  an observation. My free time is going to address it & my feelings about my home.  Now, if I can stick to it, a whole new way of life could open up for me & my family.  Fingers crossed!!!!!

Three little words

No, not "those" three little words

"I DON'T CARE" & their cousin "I DON'T KNOW"

I hate THOSE words when strung together and coming from DH's mouth

They are used too frequently, and answer just about any question that is asked of him. 

"What would you like for dinner?" - "I don't care"

"Would you like for me to get you anything from the store?" - "I don't care"

"What do you want to do tonight/this weekend?" - "I don't know"

"Do you want me to do __________ (fill in the blank)?" - "I don't care"

and so on and so on...............

Don't leave everything up to me, because if you do, you won't always like the results! Plus, leaving everything up to me means you shouldn't complain about the choice I make, yet you will anyway, cause it's not what you want

Be a man & make a freaking decision!!! Not making a decision is lazy, it's childish, and it's just plain rude!!!  C'mon already....... some of these are fairly easy to answer. Yes or no are typical answers to these questions and some of the very first words you learn to say.  Use them!!!!! 

I honestly may have those three little words inscribed on his tombstone, they come out of his mouth almost as often as "Do you want some sex?"  And that my friends, is another blog for another day.  

An observation

It's very sad when you don't want to go home.

Home is supposed to be peaceful, full of love, a place where you find comfort, rest, pride & joy. Yet, I hate going to my home. (Not my Texas home). It's chaos beyond measure. I dread going home to the mess, the fights, the questions, the lack of privacy. The misery that I find there is just sometimes unbearable. I've often said that I hate the way we live in our house. It's supposed to be our biggest & proudest investment, but I'm ashamed of it. I don't let people in the door when they try come over, I stand on the porch to talk to them. Those that have been in are strictly warned of the mess, and that's after I've run around like a mad woman driving myself & anyone in the house batshit crazy to get it even remotely fit for outsiders. I place so much of the blame and the burden to fix it on myself. So because of that heavy, never ending blame & burden I avoid doing anything. I hide myself off into the world of books, movies, TV, internet, or crafting so that for just a little while I don't "see" the mess. It's not there in any of those places.

Don't get me wrong we aren't an episode of "hoarders", but somedays I wish for a bulldozer to just come thru & take it all away so I don't have to deal with it. In all honesty, it really isn't that bad, but for me, my sanity and my "normal", it's bad. It needs a small army of people,a few days of hard work & some $$$ to get our home the way I want it. That's just for the clutter. That doesn't even include the cosmetic and maintenance issues that need to be addressed. Part of it I can fix & plan on doing so in the near future, (That's another blog for another day), but some of it I either have to learn to live with or find a way to get everyone on board to change it. That too is another blog for another day.

Keep the light on

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that he is just clueless about SO many things. Cause if I don't, then the other option is that he just doesn't care.

Take the porch light. I know it is a minor squabble in the scheme of things, but to me it's a token of affection. To me the porch light being on after dark means welcome, warmth & safety. I've always tried to make sure our porch light is on for anyone coming over or home in the dark. The DH has worked late shift or even overnights for most of our marriage & he's always come home to a lit porch light. Yet for some reason, even when I've expressed my concerns to the DH, after all these years, he still doesn't turn the porch light on for me! I don't like coming home & having to search for keys or struggle w/ bags in the dark! To me, it screams "YOU DON'T MATTER"!!!!

I'm also the one who makes sure the doors are locked & interior lights are off before bed. For some reason he makes certain to be in bed first so he doesn't have to take the safety of our family into account when he goes to sleep at night. Again it screams "YOU DON'T MATTER!!"

So, while I struggle with what is "screaming" at me, I'm going to continue to leave the porch light on & lock the doors all the while trying to decide if I just chalk it up to him being clueless or if it really means that I don't matter.

My prayer for this blog

Saw this today & knew it was perfect for how I'm feeling & what I'm hoping to accomplish. I'll need God's help so this is my prayer.

Intro: me

This is my very first blog, so forgive me if it's a little awkward and all over the place.  I'm going to just introduce myself (sort of) and write about what I am hoping to accomplish with this endeavor.

I'm going to remain anonymous as much as possible since I plan to use this as a venting board and therapy.  

But first a little history & context:

I'm a Texas girl and always will be, however my circumstances have lead me to live in the Mid Atlantic. My home will forever be Texas and I hope one day to make it my physical home again.  While I am content (for the most part) where I am physically, it doesn't fill that gap living in Texas can achieve & only Texans truly understand this statement.

I was raised a Christian (Baptist to be exact), yet I now belong to and am an active member of a Methodist Church. God and I have our own agreement about what does and doesn't work for our beliefs and that's ok for us. It doesn't have to work for anyone else but us. I strive to be a better person everyday and he still forgives me for my failings. I won't go into this area much, but from time to time, I will write about my faith and how it affects my world.  

I'm married to a military man (DH no, not darling husband; more like dick head) whom I met in my hometown at the ripe young age of 17.  We dated off and on for 3 years before we finally married when I was 21.  We have been married for almost 19 years and have 2 sons, Jr & Munchkin. While I know that I love my husband, we have struggled for several years now to decide if we really want to be together.  At some points we knew we really didn't want to be together but money, kids, circumstances and idiocy has kept us together. This is mainly what I'll be writing about.  I need to make some very hard decisions and I really think the only way I can do this, is to write out my frustrations, feelings, disappointments, joys, hurts, and thoughts.  

You're welcome to come along for the ride, but I warn you now, it will not be pretty. I'll curse, praise, whine, bitch, laugh, moan, groan, complain, name call, pray, rant, and plenty of other things.  I will repeat myself, I will talk about some pretty personal things, I will ask questions that only I can answer, & I will ask for advice. I am looking for somewhere quiet to sit & cry, to shout to the world, share what I find funny, to whisper my fears, or to just contemplate what my world holds.  Don't get me wrong, I've got some great things going for me and I plan to share those too, but for the most part I need answers, I need to move forward, and I need to grow.  

I ask only one thing in return, 

DON'T JUDGE ME! I am my worst critic, and I don't need anymore negativity in my world. You don't like what I have to say, don't read it.  Haters will be removed.

So welcome to my crazy, messed up, discombobulated blog. Buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.