My next 40 years

In 10 days I'll be 40. I'm fine with the number, just not so fine with where my life is as I reach that number. Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed with a husband, a roof over my head, 2 great, healthy boys, fabulous friends & even a job that I like.  But personally, I'm not as happy with how things are. 

In 2000, Tim McGraw came out with a song "My Next Thirty Years". It talks about the end of an era & how he's going to start changing his partying, carefree days & pay more attention to what matters. It talks about what he's going to change & what he going to do better.  I was 27, was crazy busy with 2 kids, a new home in a new state, a job & a husband deployed. There were no partying carefree days. 

 Now as I'm seeing 40 crashing into me, it's really sunk in. Its not about partying ( for him it was) it's about change & making yourself better for those around you, but most of all, for yourself. 

I need to change some things to get to where I want to be in my next 40 years, and I'm already on the path to making some if them. Others are going to be a struggle. 

I want to be a better Mom to my guys. They're getting to the point where they don't need me as much. They're becoming independent men & someday sooner than I want, they'll be out in the big scary world all on their own. I want to be who they come to when they need help & to have sound advice for them. I want to be a friend to share their joys with. I want to be able to know that they can do it on their own & not do it for them. 

I want to be a better Christian. I want to read my Bible & to be able to carry on a conversation with someone & not feel like an idiot because I haven't read it. I want to serve my Lord with all my heart, with all my might & with all my mind, not only when it's easy, but when it's hard. I want to hear God say to me "Job well done"

I want to be more financially stable. We're way better that we were when I was 30, but we're still a long way off. Money, or rather the lack there of, has prevented some major changes from happening. That may or may not be a good thing, none the less, it's made me mad that even now at 40 I still don't have money in the bank for an emergency, or a vacation, or to put my kids, or even myself through school. I made the choice to stay home & not work & I don't regret that one bit.  I do regret the choices we made where it comes to money, & will for a long time. So, I need to become smarter about how to earn, spend & save money so that there are no more regrets.

Those are the three biggies.  There are smaller ones, I'd like to be thinner/healthier, a better housekeeper, go to Italy, move back to Texas, and so on, but those 3 up there are on my heart  and I'll do it better

In My Next Forty Years........

My home sweet home

Made a trip back to my home state of Texas recently. I had left behind some major drama and family issues in my current home & I had just finished a 5 day trip in Florida to stay w/ my Italian lady while her family attended to some things back here. I was going home to see friends & family. It would be a major birthday for my Mom & Mother's Day all in one weekend, & I really wanted to be a part of it. I knew the second that plane took off it was one of the hardest decisions I'd made. Yet, it was the right decision. 

There is a saying "you can take the girl out of Texas, but not the Texas out of the girl". I will always be a Texas girl. It will always be my home even if I never live there again.  I will have my ashes spread there once I'm gone.

Aside from my boys, some of my husband's family & a small circle of friends here, my world is in Texas. My best friend & sister is there. <3  My whole family is there. Almost all of my friends are there & I'm just altogether happier there.  If I had my choice, I'd move back tomorrow but, I live here for my boys.  That's the choice I made when I married my husband. I live w/ that everyday.  Don't get me wrong, I've made a life here & there's been alot of happy. But, nothing beats "home".  This last trip just cemented that feeling even more.  

Bluebonnets were in their final days, the food was phenomenal, the weather was perfect, and my family & friends were my salvation from the mess & drama I'd left behind. Five days in Texas was the best therapy this girl could have ever asked for. I felt whole, rejuvenated, happy, blessed, alive, & loved while I was there. My emotional "tank" was filled. I've been back here 2 weeks, & every day I rely on those feelings of home to get me thru. They are my rock, my joy, my comfort & strength when things are ugly here. They are what I draw on when my emotional tank is tapped & eventually drained. 

While the drama & mess will eventually be settled, I know I will always have a home in Texas. For home is always where your heat is, and my heart belongs to Texas.  

Interesting thought

If the saying in this picture is true, then it explains so much

If I could put my picture into words then into actions, I could possibly be on the path to a new way of life......

But, if this is the case, it explains why I'm not getting the results I want. The picture is so different from what it's like now & the magnitude of the task honestly scares the heeby jeebies out of me that I say forget it, go to bed & take a nap. If I can't see it, it's not there. Right?

Do I change the picture or do I keep trying for what seems to be the impossible?

Reality is.......

I am my biggest road block and enemy.

  It's a hard thing to admit to myself.  I've been home almost 3 weeks, and have accomplished NOTHING!!!!!!!!!

I started out w/ the best of plans.  I sat down room by room & wrote down everything that needs to be done in each room.  It's detailed and broken down into small jobs. (Mostly)

I wrote all of these motivational things and guidelines about getting it done like:

Do a little everyday.
Any progress is still progress
Don't get mad at yourself if you don't see results quickly
Reward yourself w/ an outing or a "craft day"

and the biggie:

You are doing this for you not for anyone else

And yet, here I sit in a house that's just as bad as it was when I started this endeavor.
Yes, I'm whining a little, but I'm being honest too.  I am stopping myself from being happy.  Why? That's really what I need to know, cause if I can figure that out, then maybe, just maybe I can start making progress towards that happy.  I need that "spark" to get going, but I think it's buried somewhere underneath all of this mess.  Stay tuned.......................

D-Day

Never have I felt more of a failure in my job as I did today. Today was moving day for my Italian lady. She moved from the balmy 23 degrees of the mid Atlantic to the scorching 73 degrees of Florida. She left against her will & yet, the same time, peacefully.

The airport & plane ride were not an issue, yet as soon as we got to baggage claim things started going wrong. We had a porter, (a new experience for me) so I thought this would go smoothly. One bag came quickly, the other took forever & belonged to a gang; there were what felt like a dozen others that looked just like it. Finally we pulled out the correct bag & off we go to the taxi stand. They hail us a cab & start putting our bags in a Suburban faster than I know what's happening. My lady is too short & not limber enough for the front seat. We almost have to pick her up to get her in. I give the address & off we go. We get less than 5 minutes from the airport & my lady starts flipping out! Going off in Italian (of which I speak little), & I can tell she thinks we're going the wrong way. I'm following our route on the GPS & it looks fine to me. The cabby explains the other route is under construction & not advisable. She's going ballistic!! I've never seen her like this. For the entire ride she rants & raves, yet I know he's not leading us off to the swamps of Florida because I'm still following on the GPS. For the first time EVER, I yell at her. I've never done this before. For 15 minutes she rants, raves, cusses, & prays. FINALLY, we get to the area the house is in, but can't figure out which house it is that we belong too. (I've never been there). We eventually figure it out & pull into the drive way. The whole time she's bitching out the cabby & myself. I felt awful, can't imagine what the cabby felt. We unload & get inside, only for her to continue bitching while she's on the toilet!!!! Seriously!!!! She's bitching about the cabby & me in Italian to me while sitting on the shitter!!!! I literally wanted to cry! I had to stop myself from losing it. I've only felt this way w/ my children when they are sick & I couldn't make them better, or when my oldest who's Autistic, had a meltdown. I had to stop thinking about myself & think:

I knew she didn't want to be here;
I knew she was exhausted;
I knew she was mad;
I knew she was beyond frustrated.

So there was nothing I could do but apologize & put her in her pajamas, feed her, & put her to bed.

Now, here it is 5 hours later & thanks to some time, food, & rum I'm a little more settled & hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Laughter is the best medicine

Thought I'd share some funnies that have made me laugh & help me not go quite so insane in this house. Hope you get a laugh out of them too, cause if you can't laugh at your situation, then you can't complain either.

A change is in the air

With in the next couple of weeks several things are going to change in my world. I'm not going into all of the details now, because I'm working on getting some things in my head worked out, then I'll fill you in.

To give you some info about my work, I'm a companion to 3 great senior ladies. I've been doing this for a year now, and have found, that I really like what I'm doing.  I don't do medical care, but I keep them company, make meals, clean, talk with, transport to various appointments, and help with some basic daily needs.  Over the holiday, my 95 year old lady was placed in hospice care. And next week, I'm accompanying my 85 year old Italian lady to her home in Florida where she'll be for the next 5 months. So, in a little over two weeks I'll be down to only one lady that I'll be helping.  I will have her for 2 hours on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (I've got a line on having another lady but, she's only temporary).  So, that's going to leave a whole lot of time on my hands and a lot less cash in my pocket.

What to do about the cash? Well, that's going to take some thinking, but the not driving, and impulse lunches, snacks and so on that I buy will stop, but the rest will require some interesting money management.  I'll keep you updated.

As for the time, that's the one I'm going to deal with first.  I've got several things in mind, but the biggest will be cleaning my home. I blogged about how I feel about it earlier in  an observation. My free time is going to address it & my feelings about my home.  Now, if I can stick to it, a whole new way of life could open up for me & my family.  Fingers crossed!!!!!